How To Deal With Conservative Parents

Holiday season is upon us and that means one thing: family time. Especially right after this election, you may feel full of dread. You try not to think about it, but when you do, it feels like your stomach drops out of your body. It was easier when you were younger or still believed like your parents did, but now spending time together seem almost impossible. You feel like you’ve lost your once-close parents to right wing conspiracy theories and they can’t seem to talk about anything else.

Spending time with your conservative parents is upsetting. You’re dreading the off-handed comments, the untrue stories, and the unhinged right wing political news blaring on the TV. You’re wondering how to deal with MAGA parents this holiday season.

Hi, I’m Emily Maynard, LMFT. I’m a licensed therapist in California, and I help progressive people stay grounded when dealing with their conservative families. I get how important this is, and how hard it can be to try to stay connected with a family so different from you.

Here are 8 ways to protect your well-being when you’re dealing with conservative family members.

You’re Worried About Conversations With Conservative Parents

Adulting is stressful enough even when you agree with your family on politics, but when you’re the progressive person in a conservative family, it can feel overwhelming to spend time together. You’ve probably played out different scenarios in your head many times. Every time you do, you’re more on edge.

You’re already uncomfortable, waiting for the other shoe to drop around the dinner table. Maybe it feels like you’ll explode from anxiety. Maybe you hate that feeling of freezing. Maybe you still can’t believe that your kind parents have gone off the right wing deep end into conspiracy theories and racist political cruelty. It’s disorienting and heartbreaking that your parents’ conservative political beliefs seem more important than you.

You want to be more of your authentic self, but you aren’t sure if they’ll accept you. Are you just supposed to blurt it out under pressure? Pretend you agree? You don’t want to have to defend your life from intrusive questions or explain why Democratic leaders aren’t actually eating children or that the Project 2025 agenda sounds like hell to you. You feel like a kid again, trapped between helplessness or angry outbursts. You feel embarrassed that it’s still this hard.

Maybe you’re even questioning yourself - are you a bad person if you don’t push back on every racist, MAGA, or anti-democracy comment? Are you just supposed to go along with it? Why is it on you to be the bigger person, always? Maybe you worry that you’re actually in the wrong, if you’re the only one in the family who thinks like this.

All these racing thoughts can make you feel like you’re losing it, but I believe you can get through the holidays with your dignity intact. 

8 Ways To Deal With Extremely Conservative Parents

1. Set Your Own Goals.

You don’t have to buy into your parents expectations, especially if they expect you to agree with their political beliefs. You get to write your own story. It’s vital to identify the goals you have for yourself during family time. Your goals can be things like “I’ll take breaks when I need to,” “I won’t get into any arguments,” or “I’ll appreciate what I can about my parents and let the rest go,” or “I’ll have as good a time as I can.” You shouldn’t have a goal of trying to change anyone’s mind or beliefs. Goals are for you and about things you can control. Remind yourself that you have agency around time together.

2. Set Limits.

I usually start by helping people identify their limits on time, space, and topics. You can limit the time you spend with family, per holiday event or trip. If you can afford to stay elsewhere, don’t stay with your conservative parents. You can set limits on topics by physically moving your body away from conversations you don’t want to have. You can take breaks, you can hide in the bathroom and make silly faces in the mirror, or you can go take a long walk. You can wish everyone well and leave early.

Remember that the limits are what you set on yourself, not on other people. You don’t have to tell anyone your limits, justify them, or demand that your parents follow them. If someone wants to argue about your limits, you can tell them politely that you’re not going to argue today. Other people may not like your limits, but you still get to have them. I promise you that most of the time, they won’t even notice! Your limits do not hurt anyone else, they are vital for maintaining your well-being.

3. Make A Plan.

You can’t make a plan for what anyone else will do or say, but you can make a plan for yourself. Write down things you can do to maintain your agency. You can plan “distraction topics” that you bring up when the conversation gets too political.

Maybe you’ll decide to gamify your family time: keep a tally of every time someone says something you disagree with, and make a donation to a progressive advocacy group based on that number at the end of the day. Maybe you need to plan for your partner to be the one to suggest a new activity or say it’s time to go. Maybe you schedule a friend to call you at a specific time with a “need” so you have an excuse to step outside and take some deep breaths together. Maybe you’ll decide to bring your pet so you’ll have a cute distraction on hand to care for.

You may be the lone progressive in your family, but you are not alone. Make a plan now to get the support you’ll get from a partner, a friend, or a therapist.

4. Practice Clear Communication.

If your conservative parents tend to be more confrontational, you can practice clearly communicating that you aren’t going to join in the argument. You can say, “Dad, I’m not going to argue with you about that, how about we help clear the dishes.” If your parents avoid direct conflict but expect you to agree with their conservative political ideas, practice matter-of-fact statements to use. A comment like, “Hmmm, that sounds like a lot” or a non-committal “Oh, I haven’t thought about that” can help a conversation die out. Clearly communicate that you are not interested in the discussion by being silent.

Do not engage, even when they escalate. If your conservative parents don’t follow communication cues well, you may need to use physical movement to communicate clearly. You can stand up while someone is starting a conspiratorial rant, and say “I can tell this topic is important to you, but I need to go outside now” and then go outside. You don’t have to explain why you won’t debate.

Be clear with yourself what you will and won’t do, and use simple, polite phrases or physical movement to back it up when you’re around conservative family.

5. Become An Observer.

Part of managing your well-being is developing your “observer self” and becoming aware of your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Observing creates emotional distance from stressful situations without needing to check out. It can look like narrating the scenario in your own mind, focusing on your body sensations, or being curious about what’s happening in your family dynamics. You can also use the “Leprechaun Technique,” described by Marlene Winell, PhD and Valerie Tarico in a great essay about dealing with religious family members. In your imagination, you can become a journalist or a cultural anthropologist, observing your family interactions as if you encountered a group of people who believe in mythical MAGA creatures.

Maybe your internal narrator is voiced by an animal behaviorist, pointing out fascinating interactions between species. (My Observer may or may not be in the style of Steve Irwin. RIP.) Your observer self can be as silly or serious as you need them to be; their job is just to notice what’s happening without getting sucked into it.

6. Don’t Self-Destruct.

While I won’t judge you if you choose a little substance boost to manage time with your conservative parents, I don’t recommend it. It’s not likely to help you stick to your goals and limits, avoid arguments, manage your distress, or communicate clearly. You can get through time with your conservative parents using positive coping skills, not drugs, alcohol, impulsive harm behaviors, or other actions that you know will bring you more pain later.

If your parents are extremely conservative to the point that you can’t interact with them without acting out towards yourself, it may be better to just excuse yourself via text or email. You can send your best wishes for the family gathering, schedule a box of pears to be delivered, refuse to argue or explain yourself, and focus on your own well-being this year.

7. Complete The Stress Cycle.

Even if everything goes well with your plan, spending time with your extremely conservative parents is stressful. You’ll want to do some activities to help your body process the physical hormones released during stress. In Burnout, authors Emily Nagoski, PhD, and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, identify ways to complete the physical stress cycle in our bodies including: physical activity, deep breathing, laughing, crying, positive sexual interaction, and creative expression.

You can use any of these as coping skills during a longer visit with your conservative family, and plan time for them while you’re there, or when you get home. Plan recovery time and activities after the visit to calm your body.

8. Be Patient With Yourself.

You don’t have to do any of this perfectly to be okay. This election season, you can practice all of these new skills, and you will get better at them. You can practice kindness towards yourself, and give yourself the kind of loving, supportive parenting you wish you had.

This year with your conservative family, you can see clearly how much you’ve grown. You can feel proud of who you’re becoming. You may feel grief or loss about how their right wing beliefs have changed them or your relationship to them, but you can observe and process that, too. It is sad to lose your parents to right wing conspiracy theories, and I’m so sorry that it’s happened to you, too.

You can also still enjoy your family time as much as possible, and don’t have to feel guilty for not changing them or openly disagreeing with all of their beliefs. My hope is that you feel more connected to yourself and your values, and you feel better able to navigate the stressful parts of visiting your conservative parents.

You Can Survive Visiting Your Conservative Parents

If you take these steps with a big dose of self-compassion, you’re going to make it through your time with your extremely conservative parents. You can expect the expected. You can accept your parents as they are and make a plan for caring for yourself. You can keep the good from your time together, even if they don’t change their beliefs at all.

If you’re in California and want support from a therapist for managing stressful family interactions, contact me for a free consultation call. If you need to heal trauma from your religious upbringing or family dysfunction, this is your sign to start. You’ve already made big steps towards living out your progressive beliefs and values in spite of your conservative family, and I’m proud of you.